


Dearest Dana

by Bohoartist



Series: Stay [2]
Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drabble, F/M, Pre-X-Files Revival
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-23 05:00:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9641708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bohoartist/pseuds/Bohoartist
Summary: In the midst of depression, Mulder drafts a letter to Scully.





	

Dearest Dana,

I haven’t spoken to you in three days. I wish I could tell you why. The truth is, I don’t even know what to say to myself. You would think an Oxford educated psychologist would be able to diagnose, and more importantly, know how to treat severe depression, but I am just unable to turn that microscope on myself.

I know you’re leaving. And I’m glad. I don’t mean to be hurtful. I’m not glad you’re hurting, I assure you. Knowing what this is doing to you breaks what’s left of my heart. But that is why it’s better that you finally leave me. Get away from this. Please. I can’t bear to see what I’m doing to you and I am powerless to stop it. 

Shit, I’m not making any sense. Scully, I’m drowning in numbness. I wish I could tell you that I am overcome with grief for William. Or for us. Or I wish I could tell you that I am filled with a righteous rage for these circumstances we have been in the past several years. And I think in same ways, that used to be true. But now? Scully I feel...nothing. And I just don’t care anymore. I thought I could fake it. Fake it ‘til you make it, right? I dove back into seeking out The Ever Elusive Truth. But to be honest, it’s all bullshit. I don’t care. But I wish I did.

I stopped living awhile ago. I don’t say that to scare you, Scully, but it’s true. And I think you know that. I am merely existing. I feel like a ghost, haunting these unremarkable halls. And I am just so tired. 

But you, Scully. You have so much inside you. The passion and vitality that courses through your veins proves to me that what I am doing is right. I need to let you go. For both of us. 

Oh, Scully, I know you tried. I know I need help, but I just can’t bring myself to find any motivation to care enough. And I know that is killing you.  
I told you before that I can’t do this alone, but I think I might have lied to you, Scully. This is something I can’t do with you here. I have to do this in solitude. With you gone, off living your life, maybe, just maybe, I’ll find that motivation to fix this.

But God, what if I’m wrong. What if I’m making a terrible mistake. What if you’re the only thing keeping my heart beating? What if it stops the minute you walk out that door? Goddamn it, I don’t know what to do, Scully. Maybe if I can convince you to stay this one last time...maybe that will work. Maybe that will be all I need. 

The only problem is, I just don’t know if my heart is in this anymore. 

FWM


End file.
